Nobody Listens to Me

Despite my repeated warnings about tornadoes, sinkholes, pythons, alligators (and crocodiles), brain-eating amoebas, flesh-eating bacteria, bears, brown water and red tides and a zillion different species of disease carrying mosquitoes, folks still come down here voluntarily.

I went to the library today and the first three license plates I saw in the parking lot were from Minnesota, Colorado and Ontario.

And don't get me started on license plates from the Virgin Islands, Bahamas and Aruba. Seriously, Aruba? It's a small island. Why do you even own a car and why go to all the bother of transporting it here? Hertz is in the process of moving their "World Headquarters" down here from New Jersey. Just fly in and rent something. (I assume you're coming for the cooler weather. Or maybe to fulfill a death wish.)

And you, Bahamas. What are you even doing here? In terms of weather, sand, sun, beaches and warm water what do we have that you don't right out your own front door? Are you looking to die from something exotic? Because otherwise I fail to see the advantage we have over you. (Maybe you should do a swap with Colorado up there. You can ski in the snow and they can ski in the water.)

Well, as long as you're all down here, please make sure you go to the beach. And the nature preserves. And the concerts, plays and restaurants. Go boating, kayaking, paddle boarding. Mind the crocodiles while you golf. As long as you're willing to risk death, you might as well enjoy the paradise part while you're at it.

And please spend lots of money, too.

Thanks.