Close, But Still Not the Jetson's Car

I've been a little disappointed in our collection of catalogs this year. The usuals have arrived on schedule and a couple of new, although not terribly interesting, new ones have shown up but, overall, and with the obvious exception of Hammacher Schlemmer, they're pretty bland this year.

The one I was looking forward to, Vermont Country Store (because it's the one catalog that offers old-fashioned metal ice cube trays with a pull-up release handle to replace our increasingly brittle, leaky plastic twist-the entire-tray-to-get-the-cubes-out ones) sent a truncated "gift" catalog without the usual old-timey necessity items--like ice cube trays.

Speaking of Hammacher Schlemmer, this is the first time my brother has ever tossed a catalog my way and said simply, "Want!" I don't blame him. The featured toy for folks with too much money is a helicycle, a three-wheeled, two seater, street legal enclosed motorcycle which converts into a helicopter. And it's only $295,000, including flight lessons. No telling what the insurance would run. Still, I think if I win the lottery, if I ever play the lottery, I'd rather just buy four or five Teslas and keep the change.

And, anyway, that's already old hat. The newest Hammacher Schlemmer (they come every two weeks this time of year) features a tricycle that seats seven adults in a kind of circular firing squad pattern. Only one person controls direction and braking but a fancy gearing mechanism means everyone pedals. And it's a much more reasonable $20K.

 

Now, if only it played calliope tunes and the seats moved up and down.

 

 

And Hallowe'en Is Still Over Two Weeks Away

I went out this morning to the library and as I drove down our main neighborhood street (the one that had the  lane removed and turned into a bike way and is soon to get sidewalks) I passed a house with the most extraordinary--and scary--lawn display.

The entire frontage facing the street, from property line to property line, was piled literally five feet high (more in some spots) with furniture, clothing and large, bulging, black plastic trash bags. They made a wall, a berm, a blockade across the entire access to the house. There were a trio of pick-up trucks parked on the street and median (the driveway was blocked). From the size of the house and the sheer volume of the mountain range of trash out front, I can only surmise the occupants must be/have been classic hoarders. I can not imagine how it would be possible to stuff that volume of stuff into the available space.

I have no idea if this is the result of an intervention or merely the cleansing after an estate sale.

The funny thing is, the outside property itself has always been well cared for. Lawn mowed. Shrubberies trimmed. No litter. There was never any indication that anything might be amiss inside.

I feel the urge to recycle some old paperwork and magazines, now. And catalogs. They're coming in fast, now, too.

The Props Department Delivers

Fall is in the air and my brother has been into the catalogs again. Our newest semi-audioanimatronic props arrived yesterday. The UPS person apparently came while we were out.

Henry

Four large cartons appeared in our foyer. There is a life-size vintage Victorian animated dead bride and three zombies: two partial upper bodies to be placed to appear as if crawling from the grave and one animated full-body undead walker.

Larry

The company which offers these characters has also, for some reason, named them. That's a fuzzy shot of Larry in the suit while Henry is the dapper one in the bow tie.

I'm assuming my brother intends to retire some of the less frightening inflatable Hallowe'en displays, like the pumpkins and giant Bart Simpson and such as, in favor of the more, shall we say, naturalistic presentations he's been acquiring over the past couple of years. Otherwise, our yard, especially the driveway approach used by the trick-or-treaters, is going to become very crowded indeed. The life-size inflatable illuminated horse-drawn hearse with re-animating corpse inside will definitely stay as will the 20 foot tall black cat but some of the others will just have to move off to the side yard where they will actually be easier for passing traffic to see.

That Time of Year

Well, we're finally recovered (mostly) from our Labor Day bacchanal.

My brother managed to get the lawn mowed and the bunting up along the fence by the path to the front door but the rain threatened and although it never did pour like it has every other day for the last two weeks, we wimped out and ate indoors.

I barbecued way too many ribs on the assumption my brother's new girl friend would be joining us which she didn't because she had apparently already made a commitment to her own kids' picnic (which was just as well because we didn't have enough corn on the cob, otherwise) so he and I ended up with basically a rack and a half each and, although we had left overs of the chips and dip and beans and potato salad and Cole slaw, we killed those ribs. (I suspect there may have been some Valium in the sauce because my brother collapsed and slept for six straight hours right afterward.)

So now Summer is unofficially over and Rainy Season is almost over and mango season is definitely over although its going to be next mango season before we manage to eat up all this year's harvest. What's next? Oh, look!

Catalogs.

First One To Christmas Wins

How to tell the pressures of the Holiday Season are upon us:

Starting the day after Thanksgiving (maybe even Thanksgiving day, I don't know, I refuse to go out then) traffic on the roads not only spikes but speed increases and aggression rises as well.

I've been out and about, to the library mostly and a little shopping, almost every day since the feast and it was very noticeable how many more people were on the road during non-rush-hours. Side roads and residential streets aren't that bad but the main routes are packed with people going at least ten miles an hour faster than usual.

And red light runners. Drivers here in Florida know to wait when the light turns green until they can see the oncoming vehicles slowing or stopped before entering an intersection. I usually see maybe one person every other month trying to sneak through an intersection against the light. I've seen three so far since Thanksgiving.

The best was Saturday. I was approaching a huge crossroad, three lanes in each direction on both roads plus extra dedicated turn lanes both left and right for a total of 22 controlled lanes plus three additional uncontrolled right turn lanes. The signals in my left turn lanes turned yellow and a pick-up truck ahead of me in the rightmost left turn lane sped up although it was obvious he would barely make it into the intersection, with no chance of being through it, before the light turned red. At the last he second the driver suddenly realized the car in front of him had no intention of running the light. He hit his brakes hard, swerved rightward part way into the adjacent leftmost through lane, came to a dead stop inches from the rear of the car in front, pulled hard to the right and gunned it straight through the intersection which was legal because the through signals are on a different timer and were just turning yellow. I half expected to see him pull a U-turn and try a right hand turn coming from the other direction but he kept going.

(Zoom in on the Arrow for the intersection in question)

Catalog shopping is looking more and more appealing. We just received Pendery, full of bulk spices and herbs and sauces and cookbooks and other good things. I think my afternoon is set.

And Random Acts of Retail

My brother complained, after the mail came yesterday, "I just threw out every catalog in my room!" by which he meant approximately three dozen or so recent arrivals (and didn't count the twenty or so still in the living room). He held another even dozen in his hand fresh from the mailbox.

I often wonder from whence the catalogers get our address. It's kind of a game trying to figure out whose mailing list we came from. Sometimes it seems pretty obvious: Wild Wings, purveyor of wildlife coffee mugs, nostalgic animal art and clothing, most likely came by way of the World Wildlife Fund or Birds and Blooms magazine, both of which have had our information for years. Likewise, we know where Wireless (NPR), Signals (PBS), Smithsonian and National Geographic catalogs all come from.

But what about Front Gate? Their publication (I hesitate to call it a mere catalog) is printed on heavy glossy paper bound in a clay-coat four-color-process cover stock more suited to a commercial real estate prospectus. Then again, projecting that kind of image is necessary when your offerings--one-off holiday decorations and full-size pre-decorated Christmas trees--are priced from the low three-figures to the mid (and upper) four-figures. Are these guys, maybe, second generation from the Grandin Road people of life-size Hallowe'en zombie fame?

And then there's Russell's For Men. Apparently, there's an A. G. Russell's with a more general demographic somewhere that has skipped over us in favor of leather wallets, leather vests, leather travel accessories and knives of various sizes, shapes and utility (including, one presumes, scraping hides preparatory to making leather). Neither my brother nor I, are particularly lacking in testosterone yet we can not determine the provenance of this one.

Thanks to FedEx overnight delivery, we have a long way to go before the catalogers stop sending in the realization that is too late for us to order.

Seasonal Stuff

Eleven catalogs came today, including three from various orchards offering holiday fruit and candy compilations, two geeky gift shops (I'll need to go through them more thoroughly later), a bunch of holiday home decor offerings, The Victorian Trading Company, and, best of all, The Noble Collection, containing props and memorabilia from fantasy films including, among other treasures: Harry's, Hermione's, Dumbledore's and Voldemort's wands; a time turner; a working cryptex from The DaVinci Code; Batman, Superman and Green Lantern tchotchkes; and from The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings, Gandalf's staff, full-size Sting and various incarnations of the One Ring, with and without Elvish inscription.

My list is complete.

On a completely different note: A coconut fell last week. Yay!! We peeled off the husk and split the shell. I've frozen the milk and it's now sitting on the kitchen counter drying out before we shred the meat. Macaroons here we come!

Eat Your Heart Out, Hammacher Schlemmer

The catalogs have been coming in pretty steadily for the past few weeks now and the floodgates will open soon but we may have received the winner of the season already.

In along with Grandin Road (the purveyor of those new Hallowe'en ghoulies we had out this year), Stauer (watches and jewelry), Smithsonian, National Wildlife Fund and a couple of others was Museum Tour, a new one to me.

Most of what Museum Tour offers is standard science education stuff for kids of various ages: puzzles, games, experiments, microscopes, telescopes, chemistry sets and selected intellectually stimulating toys.

And then there's the life-size Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton.

Thirteen feet tall, 39 feet long and weighing 661 pounds, this is a museum-quality cast resin model for only $249,000! Delivery and expert installation extra.

From the web site:

Educator Comments:Not everyone has room for a full sized T-Rex in their home, but if you do, you can be assured that the quality of this model is excellent and will make a perfect display. Museums around the world have installed this large dinosaur to the amazement of their audiences. The Geoword lab is meticulous about details. Even if you could find one, a "fossilized" T-Rex would be extremely heavy and cost many millions of dollars to display. This detailed representation is the way to go. It will inspire children and adults who are interested in the story of evolution.

        If you are interested in purchasing this model for yourself or a local museum, please call during business hours for details about shipping and installation. As you might imagine, displaying this large creature is not easy. An experienced team will be sent to your site to install the T-Rex to meet your specifications.

Of course, if that's a little beyond your budget (and in these times we would certainly understand) you can purchase just the skull (as seen in the rear of the photos) for a mere $24,900.

The web site helpfully lists the item status as "In Stock."

Don't delay! Order yours today!

Hooray For Patriotic Capitalism

My brother ordered from a home and garden catalog some bunting to go on the picket fence along the walkway out front. He ordered it Monday. It arrived today, in time for him to put it up for Memorial Day.

My brother is ecstatic. (He's relatively easy to please.)

That is one catalog company that will definitely see repeat business.

Another Successful Expedition to the Mailbox

Today's selection of catalogs:

Fresh Finds -- Kitchen, household and personal gadgets. Some kitsch. Unexpected item: nipple concealers, essentially large unadorned pasties for women who don't wish to wear a bra but also don't want to show off in the cold.
Spilsbury -- Games, toys and lots of puzzles, mostly large jigsaw puzzles. Gifty kitsch. Unexpected items: special eyeglasses for finding lost golf balls and an electrified ball that delivers shocks for playing a semi-sadistic form of "hot potato."
Gregory's -- Florida citrus and other fruits. Also candy, nuts, some baked goods and honey.
Harriet Carter -- Lower end gadgets, gadgets and more gadgets.
Taylor Gift -- Much like Harriet Carter but with even more "As Seen On TV."
Things You Never Knew Existed -- Since 1914. Poop and fart humor. Conspiracy and sex advice books and videos. "Collectible" coins by the bagful. Screen printed T-shirts.
Betty's Attic -- Also since 1914. The catalog for the Sheldon Cooper in your family. Star Trek glasses and clothing including terry cloth bathrobe uniforms. Marvel and DC drinking glasses. Wide ranges of Betty Boop, Three Stooges, Marilyn Monroe and John Wayne kitsch. Includes Sheldon's favorite Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine. Meta item: Sheldon Cooper bobblehead. (We received two different versions of this catalog.)
Back in the Saddle -- All things horsey, except saddles, tack and gear. No one in this house owns a horse, has ever owned a horse or has any intention of owning a horse. It's been decades since I've ridden. I have no idea how we got on this list.
Stauer -- Designer watches and jewelry at discount prices.
Catalog Favorites -- A meta-catalog of supposed bestsellers gleaned from other catalogs.

Catch of the Day

A partial list of the catalogs that came yesterday:

Smithsonian -- Museum replicas, Murano glass, Perry Medina gourd etchings, sophisticated jewelry. And Einstein bobbleheads.
Current -- Christmas kitsch. Cards, calendars, NFL luggage tags and brand name (Campbell's, Nestle, etc.) cookbooks.
Timepieces International -- Designer watches and jewelry. Men's sapphire leather bracelet.
Miles Kimball -- Household gadgets and kitsch. "Personalized" ornaments (including for the newly dearly departed), fudge, caramels and candy not likely found in stores.
Toscano -- (My favorite.) Original and replica statuary. Lions and bears and alligators in resin. Hand carved, solid wood furniture. Thrones, both medieval European and ancient Egyptian. A giant Easter Island head. Life-size suits of armor, gargoyles and the Holy Grail.
NFL Shop -- If a football logo can fit on it, it's in here.
Hammacher Schlemmer -- High-end personal and household gadgets and toys for people with way too much money. Specifically the sleek ultra-modern Swiss music "box" with resin-lined brass cylinder, maple inlaid mahogany base on brushed nickel with the carbon fiber "sail" cover. $23,500.00. Not sure if that includes delivery. Also the robotic chess opponent and the several types of child-size working vehicles.
Pyramid Collection -- Steampunk, New Agey and Vampire clothing mostly for women. "Goddess" sizes available. Also a few sex toys.

A pretty typical haul for this time of year.

The Wheel Turns

Rainy Season is almost over. It hasn't rained significantly here in four or five days and the humidity is dropping to bearable levels. The temperature is also falling slightly. The sun is setting quite a bit further south than before necessitating a change in which curtains I draw to keep it from blinding us during dinner. All of which can mean only one thing:

Catalog Season is here!

They trickle in all year, of course, one or two per quarter. But the pace is quickening now. From two or three a month to two or three a week now, soon to be a daily deluge. From Hammacher Schlemmer, Signals (the NPR catalog), and National Geographic, at the high end through Stauer, Herrington and Vermont Country Store down to Blair House and a slew of T-shirt and "collectibles" catalogs (some of which have some pretty cool stuff in a totally ironic hipster kind of way) they're already taking up half the mailbox almost every day. Clothes, puzzles, jewelry, books, swords, replica firearms, scientific experiments for adults and children, Irish food, electronic gadgets for home and office, Victoriana, health and beauty aids, coins, watches, furniture (indoor and out, modern and antique, replica and original), gargoyles and statuary, Hallowe'en, Thanksgiving and Christmas tchotchkes . . . it's all here in full color lovingly described.

And if Catalog Season is here, can the Season of Excess be far behind?