The Extremely Flat Lizard Learning Curve

Dear Lizard:

Stay out of the house. Cats live here. You know this. I am not always around to rescue your stupid (now truncated) ass from them, either. You know this, also.

The only reason I even knew you were inside and in danger is when Jasmine started growling at her daughters because she was afraid they'd snatch you away from her. Unfortunately, I couldn't snatch you out of her mouth either. You're lucky her grip wasn't any tighter or I wouldn't be writing this to you now.

I have no idea where your tail is. It was still attached to you when Jasmine carried you into my brother's room. It was not on you when you escaped and I found the kids playing with you in the living room. Either she ate it or it's still in my brother's room where it will stay forever unless he finally cleans out from under his bed and discovers it all shriveled and mummified. In any event, it's not yours any longer; grow a new one.

And I repeat: Stay outside! You're much safer out there where all you have to face is the larger birds, the black snake that lives in the woodpile, the Cuban tree frogs, the feral cat that keeps coming around because the kids haven't been fixed yet and the hormones and pheromones and such, the raccoon, the opossum and the phantom coyote someone claimed to have seen on the other side of the peninsula. It's not even cold out there anymore.

That's much safer than taking on three bored indoor cats with nothing better to do.

Sincerely,
The Human